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[She gets it. In fact, she raises her fist to her mouth to fight back laughter at his threat to toss her into a hexagonal crater. It's just so Tony Stark Specific. Then she catches his eyes again, staring back at her without a hint of doubt, and she feels... well, she doesn't really have a word for it, somewhere between relief and shyness and vulnerability. It's strange. It's so strange but it's nice.]

So you don't like it. And I don't like it. But I'm going to hug you now because it's what the proper thing to do in this situation is. It's really the ideal end cap I think.

[And she wraps her arms around his neck and squeezes tightly. She doesn't really care if he hugs her back because hugging him, feeling his stubble against her cheek, the smell of his aftershave, and warmth of his body confirm this is actually real and not some kind of fantasy she created to get herself out of another mess she's made.

Thankfully, she doesn't linger and pulls away after only a moment.]

you're using eye gestures to control your HUD menus?

[ It's fortunate this is text, or she'd hear how scandalized he sounds. ]

well, might've been trickier if you weren't already an AI
but fortunately, you've already got all the parts needed to make that possible

A... pig.

[ He stares as she steps closer, like he still hasn't dispelled the possibility of this all being an exhaustion-fueled illusion. But by the time she stops in front of him, it's undeniable. It's definitely a pig. In their room. In Pepper's arms.

A pig.

He sways forward a little to stare at the bundle more closely, one hand hovering like he's trying to decide whether he dares touch it or not. ]

Where did you - it's not - uh, I'm guessing we're not keeping it for eating.

[ Not that he wants to (bacon's bad for you anyway), but he has to make absolutely sure, okay. ]

[ Pepper draws in a sharp breath at the question as if scandalized at the mere thought, covering the pig's ears so he wouldn't hear such traumatizing ideas. ]

Him, not it. Don't even think about making any bacon jokes.

[ Hmph! She goes back to gently petting the pig in her arms who continues to be quite happy with the treatment, occasionally letting out quiet grunts and oinks. ]

Anyway. [ She sighs deeply, because this is sort of a long story and she'd specifically told Hawke when it happened not to tell Tony about their outing so he wouldn't worry needlessly. Or make fun. Either one of those. ]

I took Hawke out to get our nails done a couple of days ago. You know, to bond with her a little. Uh, well, it turned out the salon was really a front for some aliens running a pet trafficking ring. They were doing experiments on the animals in the basement, like enhancing them scientifically for all kinds of weird things? I guess that's a thing some people want, like fire-breathing dogs and such...? [ She winces a little before shrugging, forging on. ]

Long story short -- we busted those poor creatures out, the bad guys got what they deserved, and... now I have a pig. Simple, really. [ TOTES. ]

why is there a pig in our house

That's the onboard system for a human. I didn't know I could do anything different, until now.

When do you think you could start work on this? and how fast can it be completed?

[ DEFINITELY BEFORE THAT ]

that's a rude way to address Pep's diseased chihuahua

[ Tony had almost worked up the nerve to pat the little pig's head when Pepper gets to the "scientifically enhanced, fire-breathing" part, then snatches it back like there might be a pig-combustion at any moment. ]

One - I can't imagine Hawke sitting still long enough to get her nails done. Two - much more importantly, actually, ignore the first thing cuz I wanna focus on this instead: a scientifically enhanced pig is not [ air quotes included ] "simple, really."

[ For all he knows it's gonna grow ten times its size and eat Pepper in her sleep, or something. ]

[ Pepper listens to Tony rant on with that same, tolerantly patient expression she usually wears in these situations. When he finally gets to the air quotes, she rolls her eyes. ]

Well, I wasn't going to leave him there! I mean, look at him. [ She holds the pig aloft gently and carefully between her hands so the animal's little face is pointed at Tony. ] How can you say "no" to this cute little face? He won't be any trouble, besides. Pigs are more intelligent than dogs, he'll be good.

[ This is probably a bad time to tell Tony the pig can literally eat anything? Probably. ]

[ He leans back slightly when she holds the pig aloft. Is it cute? .......... Maybe. Sort of. Is that the point? Absolutely not. It's a great time to tell Tony, because - ]

Really? And what's his superpower? Laser beams from the eyes? Gas so powerful it creates sonic booms? We're playing with pork-fire, here.

[ --Dang it! ]

Oh, don't be ridiculous. [ She cradles the pig back against her chest, rolling her lips into her mouth for a moment before muttering, ] ...Matter ingestion. Apparently.

[ Well, he -

Hadn't prepared for this outcome, actually. Quips and bad jokes, those are easy, practically the sole language spoken between them. Anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns? Less easy, but still well-worn territory for one Tony Stark, unfortunately.

Hugs? He has no damn clue.

There's a brief moment where he's not really sure what to do or where to put his hands, before he awkwardly settles them on the back and offers a few (comforting??) back pats.

... Nailed it. ]

[ oh my god ]

i can't believe you're the caliber problem in a friendship involving me

[ To Peter's credit, that's way faster than he expected. Then again, what he knows of the kid (the kid who'd been here previously? Who may be the same kid, but may not be? Goddammit. Whatever.) is that he's eager to please, practically to a fault. Textbook overachiever.

Apparently pizza delivery is no exception.

He tries (and fails) to mask some of his amusement as he pulls the door open. ]

I know you guys market yourselves on your delivery time, but I think you might actually be under-selling it.

Matter Inge-

[ That seems benign enough, until he realizes this refers to more than simply eating food. ]

Pep. [ He points at the pig accusingly, because that's safer than pointing at his girlfriend accusingly. ] You adopted a bottomless vacuum wrapped in ham?

Edited 2017-07-08 02:50 (UTC)

You know what?

[ She starts, only to realize there is no sassy rebuttal to that. So, she switches tactics in a heartbeat; owning up to it in that tone of hers that brooks no arguments. ]

Okay, yes. I did. [ It's her turn to point, holding the pig -- still miraculously dozing through all this -- to her chest with one hand. ] And he's staying, Tony.

[ Tony crosses his arms and leans back on his heels, assessing the situation. The data points are as follows:

- Pets are unpredictable and high-maintenance
- But it will make Pepper happy
- But its powers are heretofore unexplored and may present real, present dangers
- But it will make Pepper happy
- The damn thing will probably eat everything, including important mechanical components, tools, and socks
- But it will make Pepper happy
- He probably won't win the argument one way or another anyway
- And it will probably make Pepper happy
- ...
- He's fucked and they have a science pig now ]

...

No pigs in the workshop, we're buying one of those invisible dog fences. And I'm not cleaning up pig poop, that's pig-owner work. And I'm not obligated to call him "Ziggy" when I can call him "Pork Rind" instead.

Non-negotiable.

[ How to be a complete pushover to Pepper's whims but pretend you still have some control of the situation: a novel by Anthony Edward Stark. ]

[ Pepper beams happily the minute she gets her way, not that anyone had any doubts... She doesn't bother addressing any of Tony's demands because in the long run they would probably go ignored anyway for one reason or another, so why even go through the trouble? ]

Thank you, [ she says sweetly in a low murmur as she bridges the gap between them and kisses him lightly and softly, keeping it brief. ] Very much.

[ Two more soft pecks follow, her nose nudging his as she shakes her head slightly and adds with a hint of a smile, ] No food names.

[ Okay, maybe that one thing. ]

is it a disease that turned it into a pig because this is definitely a pig

[ a couple seconds after ringing the bell he realizes he should probably smooth his hair down or something - swinging and tugging off his mask (just the mask, because quickness, but definitely at least the mask bc face!) probably means he looks like a crazy person, and (second?) first impressions are important!! so he's probably doing that when the door opens and wow he drops his hand so fast he basically slaps himself in the thigh. ]

Haha - [ ha hahahahaha ] - yeah, it's, uh. I guess it's faster if you... Call an employee..? [ wait, what? who else would you call? why would that make it faster?? what is he saying???

oh right he's holding a pizza great LET'S MOVE ON ] A large cheese, right?

is this where i say "you're welcome"?

[Is Tony... patting her back? Yes, yes, he is.]

This is awkward.

[She announces before she pulls away and instead slings a lazy arm around his shoulders like they're just having a casual friendly conversation and nothing serious. She's fine. Well, she's going to be fine. Eventually.]

Let's promise to never do that again. Casual interactions only.

[Calla spends a very long time just staring at an empty input field. It had been difficult enough knowing the right way to request information on the public network. Asking a favor from a specific Creator somehow feels even more daunting.

Eventually, he decides he should start small. The less he says, the less likely he is to offend.]

Hello, sir. I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve been told you might be willing to help with a mechanical issue.

[Does that look pushy? It looks a little pushy to Calla. He adds another line.]

I apologize in advance if this presumption is incorrect.

[ More earnest and polite people? The Ingress must be coming for them in droves. ]

fortunately for you, your presumption is entirely correct

Announcing the awkwardness of a thing just makes it more awkward.

[ Learn this shit, Hawke. Still, he relaxes slightly as her arm settles around his shoulders. Back on steady, familiar territory. ]

But sure, absolutely. Let's just forget this whole night ever happened.

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text; after elena comes back. probably before hawke's jail thing. i don't care you decide.

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action forever and ever

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i am literally wearing the same pizza tshirt right now

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