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A... pig.

[ He stares as she steps closer, like he still hasn't dispelled the possibility of this all being an exhaustion-fueled illusion. But by the time she stops in front of him, it's undeniable. It's definitely a pig. In their room. In Pepper's arms.

A pig.

He sways forward a little to stare at the bundle more closely, one hand hovering like he's trying to decide whether he dares touch it or not. ]

Where did you - it's not - uh, I'm guessing we're not keeping it for eating.

[ Not that he wants to (bacon's bad for you anyway), but he has to make absolutely sure, okay. ]

[ Pepper draws in a sharp breath at the question as if scandalized at the mere thought, covering the pig's ears so he wouldn't hear such traumatizing ideas. ]

Him, not it. Don't even think about making any bacon jokes.

[ Hmph! She goes back to gently petting the pig in her arms who continues to be quite happy with the treatment, occasionally letting out quiet grunts and oinks. ]

Anyway. [ She sighs deeply, because this is sort of a long story and she'd specifically told Hawke when it happened not to tell Tony about their outing so he wouldn't worry needlessly. Or make fun. Either one of those. ]

I took Hawke out to get our nails done a couple of days ago. You know, to bond with her a little. Uh, well, it turned out the salon was really a front for some aliens running a pet trafficking ring. They were doing experiments on the animals in the basement, like enhancing them scientifically for all kinds of weird things? I guess that's a thing some people want, like fire-breathing dogs and such...? [ She winces a little before shrugging, forging on. ]

Long story short -- we busted those poor creatures out, the bad guys got what they deserved, and... now I have a pig. Simple, really. [ TOTES. ]

[ Tony had almost worked up the nerve to pat the little pig's head when Pepper gets to the "scientifically enhanced, fire-breathing" part, then snatches it back like there might be a pig-combustion at any moment. ]

One - I can't imagine Hawke sitting still long enough to get her nails done. Two - much more importantly, actually, ignore the first thing cuz I wanna focus on this instead: a scientifically enhanced pig is not [ air quotes included ] "simple, really."

[ For all he knows it's gonna grow ten times its size and eat Pepper in her sleep, or something. ]

[ Pepper listens to Tony rant on with that same, tolerantly patient expression she usually wears in these situations. When he finally gets to the air quotes, she rolls her eyes. ]

Well, I wasn't going to leave him there! I mean, look at him. [ She holds the pig aloft gently and carefully between her hands so the animal's little face is pointed at Tony. ] How can you say "no" to this cute little face? He won't be any trouble, besides. Pigs are more intelligent than dogs, he'll be good.

[ This is probably a bad time to tell Tony the pig can literally eat anything? Probably. ]

[ He leans back slightly when she holds the pig aloft. Is it cute? .......... Maybe. Sort of. Is that the point? Absolutely not. It's a great time to tell Tony, because - ]

Really? And what's his superpower? Laser beams from the eyes? Gas so powerful it creates sonic booms? We're playing with pork-fire, here.

[ --Dang it! ]

Oh, don't be ridiculous. [ She cradles the pig back against her chest, rolling her lips into her mouth for a moment before muttering, ] ...Matter ingestion. Apparently.

Matter Inge-

[ That seems benign enough, until he realizes this refers to more than simply eating food. ]

Pep. [ He points at the pig accusingly, because that's safer than pointing at his girlfriend accusingly. ] You adopted a bottomless vacuum wrapped in ham?

Edited 2017-07-08 02:50 (UTC)

You know what?

[ She starts, only to realize there is no sassy rebuttal to that. So, she switches tactics in a heartbeat; owning up to it in that tone of hers that brooks no arguments. ]

Okay, yes. I did. [ It's her turn to point, holding the pig -- still miraculously dozing through all this -- to her chest with one hand. ] And he's staying, Tony.

[ Tony crosses his arms and leans back on his heels, assessing the situation. The data points are as follows:

- Pets are unpredictable and high-maintenance
- But it will make Pepper happy
- But its powers are heretofore unexplored and may present real, present dangers
- But it will make Pepper happy
- The damn thing will probably eat everything, including important mechanical components, tools, and socks
- But it will make Pepper happy
- He probably won't win the argument one way or another anyway
- And it will probably make Pepper happy
- ...
- He's fucked and they have a science pig now ]

...

No pigs in the workshop, we're buying one of those invisible dog fences. And I'm not cleaning up pig poop, that's pig-owner work. And I'm not obligated to call him "Ziggy" when I can call him "Pork Rind" instead.

Non-negotiable.

[ How to be a complete pushover to Pepper's whims but pretend you still have some control of the situation: a novel by Anthony Edward Stark. ]

[ Pepper beams happily the minute she gets her way, not that anyone had any doubts... She doesn't bother addressing any of Tony's demands because in the long run they would probably go ignored anyway for one reason or another, so why even go through the trouble? ]

Thank you, [ she says sweetly in a low murmur as she bridges the gap between them and kisses him lightly and softly, keeping it brief. ] Very much.

[ Two more soft pecks follow, her nose nudging his as she shakes her head slightly and adds with a hint of a smile, ] No food names.

[ Okay, maybe that one thing. ]

[ She's a devious creature indeed, because he can't even be truly sullen about it now. Not that he isn't going to make perfunctory efforts, but - melting into her touch and all. It ruins what he was going for. ]

You're really clipping my wings here, Pep.

[ This part muttered into the scarce space between their lips, which also ruins what he's going for. Oh well. He plants one on her over the stupid little pig's head, because at least then he feels like he managed to own something here.

It's only after a longer, more drawn-out kiss that he pulls back and starts tugging her toward the bed, but not without a sudden pause. ]

Oh - and definitely no porkchops in the bed. He'll eat our pillows in our sleep.

[ All part of the plan, of course. She grins maybe a little too victoriously against his mouth, quipping lowly before his kiss silences her, ] Aren't you used to it already?

[ It's an eternal struggle between them to get the last word in, but she's all too happy to forgo words entirely for a while in favor of more non-verbal communication. She tips her forehead against his when the leisurely kiss breaks, a brief but familiar gesture, letting herself be tugged along. If it's just pillows the pig will eat they'd be lucky, Pepper thinks, but she sure isn't about to tell Tony that. ]

Okay, I'll give you that.

[ For now, at least..... She pulls away from Tony long enough to take the pig back into his own bed, the tiny animal seeming perfectly happy to burrow into the blanket there and resume his snoozes so rudely interrupted earlier. Pepper's no less enthused to climb into bed herself, doing just that and beckoning Tony to join her. ]

Now. Where were we?

[ Occupying Tony Stark's mouth with other activities is almost certainly the best way to stop him trying to get the last word, something Pepper no doubt realized within the first ten minutes of them being together. It works just as well here, even with his strong pig-related objections. How predictable.

He slides onto the bed next to her once the pig is comfortably situated on the floor. If he considers the situation Nate is in right now, pet-related annoyance is really nothing of importance at all. Hell, he's glad this is an argument he gets to have. One hand moves to brush a few strands of red hair out of her face while he takes a moment to marvel for the millionth time that she's here, safe, and his.

It feels like a dream that he's gonna wake up from eventually, the kind you desperately have to savor while it's happening. ]

Depends. I can think of a few things.

[ Pepper's pretty sure he does that on purpose just so she's forced to resort to this method of shutting him up, to be honest... it's a good thing she doesn't (usually) mind that.

She turns her head a little when he brushes back her hair, her cheek nudging his hand as a small smile curves at her lips; something slightly sad and empathetic in it. Like she can tell which track his thoughts have taken. Pepper Potts knows everything might have been a jokey quip tossed around, but to be fair, it doesn't require giant leaps of deduction this time around to figure out what's going on in his head. And this time around, she can completely relate. ]

Only a few? [ It's a soft tease, though lacking her usual playfulness. ] I hope you're not losing your touch, Mr. Stark.

[ Pepper Potts knows everything may indeed be used as a joking quip, but Tony is pretty sure he's meant it any time he's said it, and agreed with it any time he's heard it from anyone else. He leans in to press a kiss to her temple, then leans back abruptly to play at being wounded, like this is the single most hurtful accusation any person could level at him, Tony Stark. ]

You wound me, Miss Potts. Give me a break, the pig is watching.

[ Think of the swine child. ]

[ Pepper purses her lips knowingly for a beat before quirking a playful smirk at his dramatic display of offense. ]

The pig is sleeping and can't even see up here... [ #sothere!! ]

One, we have no proof the pig is asleep and I'm not rolling over there to check.

[ He leans forward as he continues, both eyebrows going up suggestively. ]

Two, doesn't matter, nix that, I've taken a survey and decided I'm kinda into the exhibitionism. [ Just saying... ] I mean, if I couldn't convince you to try the conference room, in front of the pig might be the next best thing.

Mmm, to the surprise of absolutely nobody... [ she chimes in re: the exhibitionism. Tony Stark? Surely it was someone else on all those YouTube videos! There's a husky chuckle on her lips even as they curve into a grin, fingertips delving into his hair when her palm finds the back of his neck. ]

What a bad, bad man you are. [ It doesn't sound like she minds too much... ]

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